FUN: White House Fence

https://freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/3975231/posts

White House Fence

Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000. That’s $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $7,000. That’s $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$27,000.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

“The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

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FUN: From the “why can’t they keep drugs out of prison” file!

https://www.boredpanda.com/people-share-dumbest-school-rules/

#28
My highschool had “coordinates”, not a uniform. But they stopped selling the shorts like a decade before I started there… So me and a bunch of buddies tracked down used pairs and started wearing them.

Next year, shorts were banned outright… So me and a bunch of buddies on the rugby team started wearing skirts, because the rules said skirts were acceptable, but didn’t specify gender. So you had a bunch of guys with hairy, hairy legs walking around in skirts we deliberately hiked up a little to show some thigh.

Shorts were allowed again in a week.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Ever hear of “cork ball”? I hadn’t.

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/corkball-the-mutant-baseball-game-thats-a-st-louis-tradition/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+theartofmanliness+%28The+Art+of+Manliness%29

In: Health & Sports, Sports
Brett and Kate McKay • May 6, 2021
Corkball: The Mutant Baseball Game That’s a St. Louis Tradition
 
*** begin quote ***

Welcome to corkball: a mutant baseball game hailing from the streets of St. Louis, that you just might want to import to your own neighborhood. 

The Origins of Corkball

In the 1840s, Irish and German immigrants came pouring into St. Louis. Many of the latter brought beer recipes from Deutschland and opened breweries that mass-produced German lagers for the country’s growing population. While brewing companies like Anheuser-Busch were innovating beer-making with pasteurization and refrigeration, the employees at these breweries were making innovations to American baseball and created a version of the game that allowed them to play with a limited number of players, in a limited space, without the usual regulation equipment. 

Legend has it that corkball got its start in an east St. Louis tavern sometime around 1900. Some bored, slightly drunk dude popped the cork bung off a beer barrel and wrapped some tape around it. He then tossed it to a drinking buddy who tried to hit it with a broomstick. 

Boom!

Corkball was born. 

The most significant difference between corkball and baseball was that corkball had no runners, so there were no bases. Because there were no bases or runners, men didn’t need a big space or many players to play corkball. They could technically get a corkball game going with just four total — two to a team. 

*** begin quote ***

Ever hear of “cork ball”? I hadn’t.

Sounds like it could be a real winner.

Except for calling balls and strikes.

That injects subjective judgments.

Have to think about how to eliminate that.

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FUN: Never take your eyes off little kids!

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=sIDJU_1615886463&utm_source=fark&utm_medium=website&utm_content=link&ICID=ref_fark

Chinese girl gets stuck in claw machine after climbing inside to claim prizes

*** begin quote ***

A girl got stuck in a claw machine in northern China after she climbed inside to get her hands of the prizes inside.

The CCTV video, captured in the city of Hohhot in Inner Mongolia on March 14, shows a girl in a black dress climbing into a claw machine through the pickup hole.

After she grabbed a doll, she was trying to climb back out but could not manage it.

Her friend informed their parents and the workers at the arcade game centre were called to the site to open the claw machine door to free the girl.

*** end quote ***

Never take your eyes off little kids!

They are amazing.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Entitled “Karen” Mistakes Customer For An Employee, He Makes The Situation Hilarious For Himself

Ever been mistaken for an employee? If you have, it’s fine, everyone has. If you haven’t, it’s okay—nobody likes to accept it. But there’s a safe space to talk about hard things and it’s a subreddit called r/IDontWorkHereLady . It turns out, people assuming you’re a staff member is a thing.

Source: Entitled “Karen” Mistakes Customer For An Employee, He Makes The Situation Hilarious For Himself

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Laugh!

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Categories FUN

FUN: Horses’ Asses control almost everything.

History of Railroads
  
This may have been around before, so apologize if a rerun but thought it was both interesting and funny!

(FJR: It has but it’s timeless)


 
Railroad Tracks 

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.  That’s an exceedingly odd number.  

Why was that gauge used?  

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tram ways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
 
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other  spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
 
Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
 
In other words, bureaucracies live forever.
 
So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs  The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.
 

 
The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
 

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Asses control almost everything.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it??!!  

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Credit to my “old” as opposed to my “older” and “oldest” friends.

—30—
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Categories FUN

FUN: ​”​Men with long ring fingers are less likely to die from the coronavirus: study​”​

https://nypost.com/2020/05/26/men-with-long-ring-ringers-are-less-likely-to-die-from-the-coronavirus-study/

​”​Men with long ring fingers are less likely to die from the coronavirus: study​”​

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​Nice to know if I get the WuFlu, it’ll be mild. 

Laugh!

Makes a much sense as anything else we’ve heard from the “experts”!​

—30—

FUN: A “trash panda” makes fools of Gooferment bureaucrats and their “raccoon proof” trash can

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5611463/Rascal-raccoon-figures-open-secure-bin-hilarious-footage.html

Trash panda strikes! Brazen bandit figures out how to open ‘raccoon proof’ trash can in seconds in hilarious footage

  • Toronto householder Graeme Boyce spotted the brazen daylight break-in
  • The animal forced its way in to the ‘raccoon-proof’ trash can in 30 seconds 
  • They were introduced in 2015, touted at the time as being totally critter proof
  • But the animal in the video dispelled that claim with consumate ease 

By Alastair Tancred For Mailonline

PUBLISHED: 05:32 EDT, 13 April 2018 | UPDATED: 08:41 EDT, 13 April 2018

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This is pretty funny. 30 seconds to dispose of the barrier?

Link when they mandated “bear proof trashcan” in North Jersey. The bears just threw the cans at the conveniently located garage doors; splitting the cans open and damaging the garage door. Then they proceeded down the street and doing it at every house. Nothing like having an annoyed hungry bear in the neighborhood.

When will people learn that wildlife will find a way to survive. And, we’d best not get in their way.

This video made me laff at the arrogance of humans.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Oscar nominated films I’ve seen

http://variety.com/2018/film/news/list-2018-oscar-nominations-1202668757/

Best Picture:

“Call Me by Your Name”
“Darkest Hour”
⑧ “Dunkirk” — enjoyable
“Get Out”
“Lady Bird”
③ “Phantom Thread” — waste of money
“The Post”
“The Shape of Water”
⑥ “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri” — strange

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My rating scale:

①②③④⑤⑥⑦⑧⑨⑩

My comments

  • “Timeless”
  • “Enjoyable”
  • “OK”
  • “Strange”
  • “MEH”
  • “Waste of Money” 

And “Especially Objectionable” if it “offends” me.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Little kids think birthday parties actually make you get older

I agree!!!

 

Science Adorable munchkins fundamentally misunderstand how times passes. Children as old as four and five think that the actual purpose of a birthday party is to increase your age . It’s not a celebration—it’s a ritual.

Source: Little kids think birthday parties actually make you get older

Categories FUN

FUN: Stick pens — love them or leave them?

https://www.wired.com/story/the-bic-stops-here-in-praise-of-the-humble-stick-pen/

AUTHOR: ELIZABETH STINSON
07.16.1707:00 AM

THE BIC STOPS HERE: IN PRAISE OF THE HUMBLE STICK PEN

*** begin quote ***

Since then, very little about the pen has changed—not even the faded blue plastic casing. “When people see this pen, they know exactly what it is,” says Brad Dowdy of The Pen Addict. “That Paper Mate keeps making it is a testament to it being a good enough pen.” Good enough, it turns out, to sell 90 million of these pens last year. Most of them are bought in bulk by schools and businesses who think they’re getting something cheap and semi-reliable. What they don’t realize is that they’re actually getting a classic pen, for the price of a few pennies.

*** end quote ***

I like the line: “I love my stick pens, but I don’t exactly value them.”

TDBANK gives pens away so freely that I see them at competing banks. Something humorous about that!

If a competing bank uses TD pens, I wonder how good a bank they are. In the case of Wells Fargo, there is no doubt.

Guess where I bank?

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Categories FUN

FUN: Road rage

AN OLD ONE, BUT STILL FUNNY imho.

Busted!

A woman pulled up to a red light behind another car. The driver of the car in front of her was talking on his cell phone, and shuffling through some papers on the seat beside him.

The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice. The woman began pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man still didn’t move.

The woman went ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dashboard.

The light turned yellow. The woman blew the car’s horn repeatedly, as she yelled and screamed curses at the man.

The man finally noticed the commotion. He looked up, saw the yellow light, and accelerated through the intersection just as the light turned red.

The woman was beside herself, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant she heard a tap on her window and looked into the face of a very serious looking policeman.

The policeman told her to shut off her engine and step out of the car. The red-faced woman obeyed, speechless at what was happening.

The policeman then arrested the woman and took her to the police station where she was booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours the woman was escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer was waiting with her personal effects.

The policeman handed her the bag containing her things, and said, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn and screaming and cursing. Then I noticed the *Choose Life* license plate holder, the *Follow Me to Sunday School* bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed that you had stolen the car. Have a blessed day!”

 

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Categories FUN

FUN: Actress Susan Dey is 64!!!!!!!!

2016-Dec-10

Today’s Birthdays: Former Agriculture Secretary Clayton Yeutter (YEYE’-tur) is 86. Actor Tommy Kirk is 75. Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 75. Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 75. Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 75. Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 70. Pop-funk musician Walter “Clyde” Orange (The Commodores) is 70. Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 65. Actress Susan Dey is 64. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is 60. Jazz musician Paul Hardcastle is 59. Actor-director Kenneth Branagh (BRAH’-nah) is 56. Actress Nia Peeples is 55. TV chef Bobby Flay is 52. Rock singer-musician J Mascis is 51. Rock musician Scot (cq) Alexander (Dishwalla) is 45. Actress-comedian Arden Myrin is 43. Rock musician Meg White (The White Stripes) is 42. Actress Emmanuelle Chriqui is 41. Rapper Kuniva (D12) is 41. Actor Gavin Houston is 39. Violinist Sarah Chang is 36. Rock musician Noah Harmon (Airborne Toxic Event) is 35. Actor Patrick John Flueger is 33. Actress Raven-Symone is 31.

# – # – # – # – #  2016-Dec-10 @ 15:51  

Today’s Birthdays: Former Agriculture Secretary Clayton Yeutter (YEYE’-tur) is 86. Actor Tommy Kirk is 75. Actress Fionnula Flanagan is 75. Pop singer Chad Stuart (Chad and Jeremy) is 75. Rhythm-and-blues singer Ralph Tavares is 75. Actress-singer Gloria Loring is 70. Pop-funk musician Walter “Clyde” Orange (The Commodores) is 70. Country singer Johnny Rodriguez is 65. Actress Susan Dey is 64. Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich is 60. Jazz musician Paul Hardcastle is 59. Actor-director Kenneth Branagh (BRAH’-nah) is 56. Actress Nia Peeples is 55. TV chef Bobby Flay is 52. Rock singer-musician J Mascis is 51. Rock musician Scot (cq) Alexander (Dishwalla) is 45. Actress-comedian Arden Myrin is 43. Rock musician Meg White (The White Stripes) is 42. Actress Emmanuelle Chriqui is 41. Rapper Kuniva (D12) is 41. Actor Gavin Houston is 39. Violinist Sarah Chang is 36. Rock musician Noah Harmon (Airborne Toxic Event) is 35. Actor Patrick John Flueger is 33. Actress Raven-Symone is 31.

Categories FUN

FUN: The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar … …

http://www.winkman.com/myspace/loneranger.html

 

*** begin quote ***

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking, when in walks a cowboy who yells, “Who’s white horse it that outside?”

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, “It’s my horse. Why do you want to know?”

The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don’t look too good.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink.It is then he notices that there isn’t a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down.

Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, “Who’s white horse is that outside?”

Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, “That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?”

“Nothing,” replies the cowboy, “I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running.”

*** end quote ***

Categories FUN

FUN: The Cubs “curse”?

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3886500/Baseball-Indians-win-Series-title-rout-Cubs.html

Is the Cubs curse back? Famous fans watch as Chicago team falls 3-1 to the Indians in their historic battle to win the World Series

By REUTERS and ASSOCIATED PRESSPUBLISHED: 23:22 EST, 29 October 2016 | UPDATED: 01:15 EST, 30 October 2016

*** begin quote ***

The Cubs, appearing in the World Series for the first time in 71 years and looking for their first title since 1908, were on the brink of elimination after a lackluster display in their second successive loss before a hushed Wrigley Field crowd. 

*** end quote ***

Of course, the article never mentions the curse. How can we decide if it’s back if it’s not explained.

Does any rational being believe in “curses”? I thought the highpoint of this particular meme (i.e., a paradigm spread like a gene or virus from person to person) was Salem Witchcraft.

Last I looked the alchemists hadn’t change lead into gold. And heaven help us if they do.

As a fat old white guy injineer, I believe in facts and evidence.

No excuse me while I sprinkle some of that spilled salt over my left shoulder.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Sir Paul @ Metlife

2016-Aug-07

Mccartney

AFTER ACTION REPORT

Concert scheduled for 8PM. Traffic getting in SOOoo bad, I assume Sir Paul delayed until 8:30. (Lot of complaints about the traffic, patterns, and drop off points.

Made it at 8:15PM.

Great seats! (Anna Marie Henno is a great seat picker.)

They make you always go up 35+ rows instead of down 2 to the floor level concessions. Argh!

Traffic from shore disaster. 1015 traffic was late saying that 33 was closed. GSP, 9, and 34 were all mess. Argh.

And despite $11 beer and $10 wine, everyone was having a great time.

I think that Metlife stadium bureaucrats need to reexamine their traffic planning.

  • Taxis and limos had to drop in the K lot 15 minute walk from the stadium.
     
  • Buses were only a few step closer.
     
  • Tailgaters had the close in lots “occupied” with each taking several spots.
  • Seems like taking the train in is the best strategy with the least walking.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Cinco De Mayo

Ok, lately I’ve gotten e‐mails from people claiming that the Titanic was carrying mayonnaise (some say 12,000 jars, others give no quantity). Once the Titanic reached New York, it’s next supposed destination was Mexico. The e‐mail always ends with a corny Sinko de Mayo joke.

The only evidence I’ve found that this is a joke and not some coincidence embellished with a poor inter‐lingual pun is that mayonnaise was supposedly just invented in 1912.

Any help here?

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellmann’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Categories FUN

FUN: Boooo on the Princeton Review

New beef alert: Taylor Swift vs. the Princeton Review.

It seems the test preparation company misquoted Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen” in their materials for an SAT practice test. Even worse, they misquoted Swift and then criticized her allegedly bad grammar — despite the fact that they screwed up her words in the first place.

A page in the practice test quotes Swift as singing, “Somebody tells you they love you, you got to believe ’em.” The actual line is, “Somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.” The actual lyric is not grammatically incorrect, unless you’re concerned about “gonna” vs. “going to,” in which case you may want to relocate to the Victorian Era.

A fan called Taylor’s attention to the Princeton Review’s gaffe, and Swift’s response on Tumblr was tough but fair: “Not the right lyrics at all pssshhhh. You had one job, test people. One job.”

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Testing 1, 2, 3 … … …

Us swifties are always on the alert for this national treasure.

#tswift13 #tswift

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Categories FUN

FUN: Some one liners

FROM BUGLE BLAST
Editor/Publisher/s Notes – Mike Berger
Vienna VA 22181
Volume 6 Number 6
Cell: 703-861-0726
Email: bugleblasts@gmail.com

*** begin quote ***

Humor – Lexophiles

A Lexophile is a person who loves words. Here are phrases 

– Police were called to a Day Care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

– You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.

– Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.

– When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

– A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

– When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. 

– The batteries were given out free of charge.

– A dentist and a manicurist married and fought tooth and nail.

– A will is a dead giveaway. 

– With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

– A boiled egg is hard to beat.

– When you’ve seen one Shopping Center you’ve seen a Mall.

– Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was  cut off? He’s all right now.

– A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

– When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

– The person who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

– He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

– When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.

– Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And finally 

– Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

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Categories FUN