MEMORIES: “But, I want you to be happy.”

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-intimacy-of-loss-being-together-in-this-fleeting-moment/

The Intimacy of Loss: Being Together in this Fleeting Moment tranquility.
by Stephen Schettini

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“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” ~Kenji Miyazawa

I love my wife, so it stung the other day when she said, “Hmm … You’re going to have trouble letting me go, aren’t you?”

She’s not walking out on me. You see, she has multiple sclerosis (MS), and she’s referring to the day she can’t walk any more. She’s convinced herself that she can’t handle the guilt of ruining my life, and expects me to leave when she says so.

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On more than one occasion, Frau Reinke broached the same thing. But, even then, I said: “How could I … ” followed by some wise crack. “But, I want you to be happy.”

I knew then and I know know … just ain’t gonna happen.

SO make the best of it, while I wait for the eventual reunion.

“My love, were it in my power, I would sadly grant thee this boon. But, we have to continue to follow His Plan for us. Let’s go forth and speak no more of this. Who ever is last will be last. It will be His choice; not ours. We’re but humble custodians of His temple on earth. It’s not our place to trump His plan. Whatever that plan be, know that I will be with you to my last breath.” — character “John” in CHURCH 10●19●62 Volume 2 Page 399

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I ask her what she means by letting her go. She looks me coolly in the eye and says, “I mean, when I can’t function any more, of course. I want you to move on.”
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? What would you say?

I almost blubber, but that’s no way to be there for her—or is it? I tell her she can’t possibly know what awaits her. She raises an eyebrow. She knows all right.

I recognize the moment of indecision. I pause, breathe, and return to the present.

Funny, after eight years as a Buddhist monk with the finest Tibetan teachers and forty years of practice, I sometimes feel I should have a leg up on life’s sufferings. To be floored by a moment like this disables all I learned—the meditative techniques, the philosophy, the calm sense of stability.

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I’ve have had the practice of the teaching so I guess it’s OK for a grown man to cry?

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